Toxic relationships & Florence Given

I want to begin this post just by saying, every person should go and read Florence Given’s book ‘Women Don’t Owe You Pretty’ because it is life changing! That is all.

I can not even fathom how normalised toxic behaviours/ relationships have become in society- or how many people settle for less than they deserve just because it’s what they’re used to, or what they believe they deserve. A lot of this post ties in with my last one, on how we need to heal and change our subconscious & ourselves, before we’re even able to think about being with another person. 

If your relationship is chaotic and you often find your mood depending on if they have replied, if they’re going to see you or how they’re behaving etc. then RUN! Far, far, away-go and spend many months discovering why you felt that way and bloody learn how to love yourself instead. Florence is so ruthless and honest in her writing that you can’t help but be held accountable for your actions or for noticing other peoples, terrible, actions. If you’re in one of those messy relationships, where you often find yourself complaining to you friends, or constantly upset- but you’re still allowing this person to drain you, it really is nobody’s fault but your own. If you’re unable to set boundaries and stick to them, you shouldn’t really be in a relationship. I know it’s easier said than done, when maybe love is involved, but after a while if you’re feeling deflated and you know this person always makes you upset then why haven’t you kicked them out of your life instantly? Whether or not you believe there’s reasons for the treatment you receive or you think that you deserve it, there’s no excuse for staying somewhere that physically pains you to the point of exhaustion. Highs and lows are apart of life but love should be a feeling that lifts you up, not something that drives you crazy. 

“If you are subconsciously seeking someone to make you whole, you’re not ready for a relationship” 

In modern society we’re often tricked into believing the end goal, or for life to be complete, is to have a partner by our side. Even more so with social media, it seems like a competition of who’s got the best relationship. Everybody is so scared to be alone! You will find the people who are alone understand that sacrificing peace for another person is not worth it. As Florence says, a person should add to your life, you shouldn’t feel like you need another person just to survive. I believe when you feel/ think like this, that is when the relationship vampire comes, they notice how vulnerable you are and see you can’t be on your own, so the relationship decides to come and suck the life out of you, and you’re left wondering why no one can ever love you right. Newsflash! Love yourself right instead.  

Whilst being ‘in love’ with somebody it is so easy to overlook parts of their personality or mistreatments. It’s so easy to forge an image of the person in your brain, that you so badly want them to be, when in fact they’re nothing like the person you’ve created. Ignoring the first warning signs or just hoping that it will get better should be the answer and your get out immediately card! I do believe people can change & grow, of course. However, I also know it’s impossible to change somebody else and that it’s their own doing if they ever want to change. It’s also possible that you can truly believe the false reality you’ve created in your head and even go as far as internally blaming yourself for even thinking/ questioning the other person behaviour and thinking you’re maybe just “crazy”. If the other person has made you feel that way then that is gaslighting! And if your body tells you that something is off or you think, oh no maybe they’re a bit of a shit person, believe it! Energy doesn’t lie, trust yourself. 

Finally, take a look at your own actions and understand how you could be hurting yourself and another person! Just because you’re with somebody and you’re supposed to love each other it doesn’t mean that person doesn’t have valid feelings or commitments outside of the relationship! If two people love themselves fully, set their boundaries, are okay with being alone and know what they want and don’t want, then the relationship will work in raising one another up and they’ll be able to enjoy the realms of love without wanting to tear each other apart every week. 

I just want to state how relationships really aren’t the end goal though and even if you do have a good relationship with someone, it may also still end or become what you don’t want anymore and that’s just fine! Things change, all I’m saying here is, love shouldn’t be so awful all of the time! 

Sending love to everyone on their journeys x