Imposter Syndrome; How am I Travelling The World?

Imposter syndrome: a belief that you are undeserving; a lack of confidence; a question in your ability to be human, to achieve things - and I have been questioning this ability recently. 

I have always felt like somewhat of an inadequate human being - an unconscious thought that is driven by the context of my childhood living on a council estate. This feeling intensifies sometimes when I share my writing, or when I post on instagram, 'the seven ways to become a better person', and then I get irritated in a long queue. Yin Yang. 

Here I sit in a cafe on my own, in Vietnam, 3 months into my trip - my mind is blown. I have spoken to hundreds of people, I have had many amazing experiences. Yet now, more than ever, I am reminded of my believed inadequacy - I have felt like a fish out of water, struggling to swim.

I would be lying if I said travelling had always been a dream of mine, as a child I was non the wiser of what existed beyond my street. I saw how hard my mum worked, a trip to the park was an extraordinary day for me. Perhaps it was the internet or my friends family holidays that spiked my curiosity. 

At first travelling was a means to escape, a distance I could put between myself and my past. Now that just makes me sad. I am proud of who I am. 

Whilst living on a council estate you are almost expected to adopt a series of cultural behaviours and stereotypes, (it is almost like a cult) you are not encouraged to leave or to become something else - you are proud of where you are from, you do not take any bullshit, you do not socialise with the higher class, everything is unattainable, and you are expected to walk in the shoes of your parents, living a carbon copy life. Stepping out of your comfort zone and choosing to become somebody else is very hard.  

I want to embrace my existence and that includes the life I lived from the ages of 0 to 21. I want to be proud of my upbringing and I want others, from working class backgrounds, to see that what they teach us to be impossible, is actually very much possible. I deserve to see the world, I deserve to experience unwavering joy, I deserve to meet different people from different cultures, I deserve to have the chance to expand my knowledge - to see beautiful things - and so do you. 

imposter syndrome is just the ego trying to protect itself by spouting the words it has always known - change the discourse - become friends with your ego and welcome it into the new world where you do achieve things, you are amazing, you will fail, but you will also succeed - beautifully. 

I haven't come travelling to change myself - there is nothing wrong with me.

I am worthy of freedom. 

I do not have to become restricted by societal expectations. 

I am aware that these thoughts I am having are simply just that, thoughts - they do not contain any credibility and in fact, I wish to use this imposter syndrome to push me on, to be a reminder of where I come from, to be proud because of what I have achieved. 

If anything, travelling has produced a new found love for my home and the people there. There is nothing I love more than waking up in bed next to my cat, with the sunlight warming my skin and the sound of my mum putting the kettle on when she wakes up.