happiness

I wasn’t sure what to title this post- I feel like happiness doesn’t have to mean that I am or you are in a state of joy or that happiness should be an end goal. My idea of happiness is just something that flows in and out and the real goal is allowing it to come and go and stay neutral every time. 

I Haven’t posted in a while- life is feeling quite busy at the moment my to do list has gone from being blank to being pages long- but I can’t complain, the distraction and focus is good for my health. :) As much as I’m busy with work/university/every day life etc. I Feel like I’m in the midst of a change and I’ve been busy getting to know and love myself a lot better than I ever have before. I’ve spent a good part of this month questioning reality and everything that I believed to be reality. I figured achieving a state of neutralness is impossible whilst holding and forcing unrealistic standards upon myself. After coming off of social- media for a while, I’ve begun to understand the fake reality ‘bubble’ that it’s got us all living in. I don’t spend my time on Snapchat flicking through the dreaded ‘1 year ago’ memories and living in the past- I don’t spend my time watching where others are going and I don’t get fucking fomo anymore cause I can’t see any of it !!! :) I’ve come to terms with fake connections and Instead of living through those I’ve decided to use all that energy and give it to myself instead. When questioning my feelings about loneliness I’ve realised it’s coming from the fear of the unknown and not seeing what people are doing & possibly missing out. I’ve now in fact realised it’s impossible for me to ever be alone as long as I’ve got myself. I wake up and know that I’m going to live the moments I’m supposed to that day and reassure myself that I’m where I’m supposed to be- so I can’t possibly be missing out on anything otherwise it’d be happening.

Throughout all my realisations I’ve come to notice that this idea of ‘self-care’ that we speak of (mainly women) consists of (most of the time) shaving, face masks, applying beauty products, having beauty procedures, spending money etc. And whilst these things are all okay and I encourage them if they make you happy! This idea of ‘self-care’ has been warped into a misogynistic trope as if fixing things on the outside is taking care of ourselves. Self-care is and should be, about you being able to sit with yourself, alone, and Identify how you’re feeling- acknowledge your presence in the now- get to know your toxic traits, understand things about yourself, find who you are and what you love and what you don’t. It’s such an uncomfortable experience at first so that’s why we all put it off. However, It’s so rewarding When you begin to notice your thought process changing. That gossip you’d usually be around doesn’t quite sit right with you or interest you anymore. Actually thinking about an action/behaviour/ thought as being toxic and realising you can begin to change. 

I don’t like to base happiness on or around things- which is bloody hard when you have severe attachment issues. Moments are moments that come and go, some are just more intense than others whether they’re good or bad. I feel like we can look at people and assume they’ve found the key to life & that they’re on top of the world but now I just understand that they’re choosing to move with life and all it’s moments, there’s no end to things- you can never reach the limit but only grow each day. I’m not rushing to get to ‘happiness’ I’m realising that’s it’s all within me and taking my time. I currently feel like I have this little person on my shoulder and each time I question a feeling or I feel any emotion it speaks to me and reminds me 

“no!” 

“It is what it is paige” 

“you’re doing okay” 

“That’s okay If you feel like that” 

“Didn’t you just say you was going to stop doing that” 

Might sound crazy but I wish someone had told me when I was younger that your own voice is the only one you should ever listen to and it’s also the most powerful. 

So if you’ve managed to come to the end of this I want to say to you, Fuck it. Life is far too short to spend your time chasing after anybody or anything that isn’t yourself. Take the uncomfortable road and fall in love with life, real life.