love has changed my life

What even is love? and how does one grasp the idea of self-love? It seems quite paradoxical, maybe even futile, to look into the eyes of someone you see as utterly flawed, and to offer love. 

I cannot help but refuse the modern narrative that a person must love themselves first, before somebody else can love them. How does one know how to love, if not loved unconditionally by others? I believe the best way to learn how to accept, and potentially love yourself, is to be wholeheartedly loved by the people around you - even strangers. 

Love has changed my life in so many ways - opening up to love, being loved, making love, loving others, and loving myself profoundly. Two years ago, I could barely like, nor love myself in a space where love was so limited. I was completely disconnected from myself, and those around me, refusing to let love in - refusing to believe that the good people in my life loved me, and instead, I accepted a warped version of love.

And I do not like how current self-help culture promotes obsessive individualism, when community is one of the most important factors when it comes to living a vibrant life.

I have dived right into myself and experienced feelings so uncomfortable, I have cringed, I have judged, I have cried, I have gotten angry - because underneath all of the exterior, there I stood, just wanting to be loved and wanting to love, with no clue how to. Now I have the love of the whole universe inside of me.

I now hug my friends randomly. I play with my mums hair. I give random gifts. I smile as I walk past strangers. I now agree with my boyfriend when he calls me beautiful. I bask in honest and raw love. 

I now see my parents as individuals, navigating their first go at life; I see my siblings as separate people to myself. I acknowledge that how I love is not how others love, and I will not be loved in the way I want to be, unless I express these needs. Love comes in so many different forms. 

I forgive myself.

I forgive others for not loving me how I needed to be love. 

"The word love [...] dates back to the proto-Indo-European word leubh, meaning 'care' or 'desire'." A necessity for existing in harmony with oneself - care for your mind, body, and soul. Hold desire for yourself and your life. Care for those around you. Do not passively love people, tell them, show them, without the need for it to be reciprocated.

How the love from other people has helped me fall so drastically in love with myself. I cannot ever see myself returning. I am now my own best friend and I hope the person reading this, who feels so utterly unlovable, fearful, and alone in this world - I just hope you can look at yourself in the mirror, and see another person staring back, wanting to be loved. Take care of yourself. Love the fractured and fragmented parts of yourself. Be honest with who you are. 

I am so open to love now, I know it exists everywhere and I know it will always be there. 

I love myself in the present moment, as I exist right now, because that is who I am.