In My Twenties

Navigating life in my twenties. Why does it feel as if some received a manual for life but I did not. Excuse me, could you tell me if it is okay to feel this way? Am I reacting to this situation correctly? Am I achieving anything at all? I feel like a fraud. I am often performing for an audience that are not there, desperate to not look like a failure - seeking validation from strangers. Social media belittles my self-worth, stamps on my goals and diminishes my achievements. Whether it is out in the open or deep in my subconscious, I am terrified of failing, failing what, I could not tell you, however, the sudden panic at 3AM that my life is a mess, and that I will not achieve any of my aspirations - haunts me. 

How do I deal with frustration and sadness at 22? I’m supposed to be an adult. I don’t suck it up, I’ll never be able to do that. I am crying out as a child. I am overwhelmed, I shout, I cry - how embarrassing. The shame is too heavy to carry. Does this mean I lie when I say I am a good person? How is it possible to ever know you’re a good person when you can only perceive yourself as far as your ego allows. Now I’m scared. I tell myself the perfect person doesn’t exist, and then proceed to hate myself anytime I slip from behind the illusionary glass of perfectionism, and show my real, vulnerable, self. It’s like we’ve all become scared of really being human - it feels humiliating to have wants and needs, to not be instantly perfect at a new hobby or at a new workplace - not to mention the humiliation of making mistakes. 

Your twenties are all about accountability. Accepting that you have done wrong, you are doing wrong and you are going to do wrong in the future. Perhaps the hardest thing of all is accepting that you have been a bad person. Oh, how easy it is to be blind towards yourself. Self-awareness is a dark void, once you fall in you cannot turn back. You have to commit to doing better, for yourself and for others. Tiring, sometimes. Yet so rewarding when you begin to witness the growth. 

I feel as if it is easier to hate oneself rather than love. Self-deprecation comes easier than self-love. I am useless and ruin everything, instead of, it is okay to make mistakes, everybody does, I love you, maybe you can use this time to influence your actions and do better next time. Be kind. 

The temporariness of your twenties;

Everything changes, yet everything stays the same. Your thoughts and beliefs are fluctuating at a rapid rate. You can wake up and decide to not care that day. People and moments slip through your fingers - some stick. Intense love exists, give it to yourself. Temporary is freedom, knowing nothing is forever. Forgive yourself.

Exist and embrace all of your vulnerabilities. Live for now. Love people for who they really are, imperfect humans.